Boundaries: Why they are important and how to enforce them
Most people have boundaries all wrong. Boundaries have nothing to do with cutting people off, stone-walling or giving the silent treatment.
misinformation on Social Media and the absense of Boundaries growing up means many of us are unsure of what healthy boundaries look like.
This is especially true in many South Asian communities. There is a huge amount of enmeshment in South Asian families where you are not given the space to have your own individual identity, your own opinion or make your own choices. The perceived idea of ‘closeness’ or the benefits of a close-knit community often comes at a cost: the cost of having no privacy and having an identity that is heavily enmeshed with others. When you are seen as just a part of a collective rather than an individual; this is the gateway for toxicity and harm.
From a young age, we are told to call strangers ‘uncle’ or ‘aunty’, have a conversation with people who we barely know or even like, we are shamed and made to feel guilty if we disagree with a relative or elder (even if done politely), we are made to smile and be the ‘good, respectable girl’ and the absence of any privacy means everyone is given access to our life. Is it any wonder that we find it difficult to set boundaries then?
If you struggle with enforcing your boundaries, you may find yourself:
· People Pleasing
· Feeling guilty for expressing your needs
· Taking on others problems as your own
· Struggling with your identity
· Agreeing to things at the expense of yourself in a bid to avoid conflict or disagreements
· Struggling to be yourself around others and only showing parts of yourself
· Afraid of backlash and rejection for who you are so you become hyper aware of yourself, what you say and what you do
· Lying or editing the truth in order to keep the peace
· Resentful and angry at how others take advantage of you
I find that the concept of privacy continues to be an issue even as we grow, enter adulthood and become independent where parents and relatives continue to feel entitled to have access to you.
That is until you start enforcing healthy boundaries.
Why are Boundaries important?
Boundaries are integral to healthy & successful relationships. Without boundaries, we are unable to respect others as individuals and be open to their choices and identity. When we are not able to respect and adhere to each others boundaries, we are laying the foundations for resentment, tension and relationships easily become distanced and fragmented.
When you struggle to be yourself for fear of the backlash you may get from family or the community, you begin to live a lie. As you are hyperaware of yourself around others and censor what you say and do, you end up hiding parts of yourself that are perceived by the community as being ‘unacceptable’, which in the long term is unhealthy and damaging to your own health and the health of your relationships.
Boundaries help us identify and separate our needs, feelings, values, responsibilities and beliefs from others. They help you embrace yourself and your identity and also tell others how they can treat you and what is acceptable. Without boundaries, it is more likely for others to take advantage and abuse the access they have to you as you have not set the limits on how you expect to be treated. Everyone’s limits are different and what one person deems acceptable may not be acceptable to you.
Boundaries allow you to be:
· Authentic as you accept your feelings, make your own choices and meet your needs, fully embracing yourself.
· Compassionate with yourself and others as you place value on individual experiences and perceptions.
· Assertive as you recognise that you are not responsible for how others feel or behave which removes needless worrying about how others feel.
· Accountable for yourself and your choices and also recognise that others are accountable for themselves and their choices.
· Confident in saying ‘No’ to anything that doesn’t align with your values, energy or priorities.
· Realistic with your expectations so others know what is acceptable for you, how much capacity you have and how much space you have to give
How to set healthy Boundaries
When someone violates your boundary and you do not make them aware that they have crossed a boundary; you end up giving the impression that you are OK with their behaviour or actions. The mistake often is that you expect others to be mind readers; you need to explicitly and clearly state your boundary. A boundary becomes meaningless if we do not enforce it by giving a response and following up with consequences if needed.
Also a note to be mindful of: You will come across people who will not respect your boundary and will continuously challenge your boundary. In these cases, your follow up and consequence will be dependant on the type of relationship it is and the particular situation it is.
However, as a South Asian woman, a child of immigrant parents, I am all too familiar with how complex and layered setting boundaries can be.
Challenges you may face when enforcing your boundaries
Fear
It is never going to be easy when you do something that is against the norm or the status qou. You may find yourself not only battling with your internal resistance but also the resistance of others.
Some questions to reflect on:
What is your fear about?
Is this rooted in reality or are you future predicting?
What will likely change if you set the boundary?
What will likely happen if you don’t set the boundary?
Why is setting this boundary important?
These questions will help root you in your reality and then it’s a case of feeling the fear and doing it anyway!
2. Confusion
If you are not 100% sure of the boundary being effective or even sure of how to set the boundary, it can become overwhelming. Remember you don’t have to have it all figured out before you take the step to enforce a boundary and it is a skill that will get better the more you practice it.
3. People pleasing
The thought of how others will react negatively to your boundaries can feel scary if you don’t like conflict or disappointing others. The truth is when you begin to set boundaries, your relationship systems will be disrupted and you may even end up losing long-term relationships. If at the core you feel unworthy and have placed others needs above your own in order to get validation, then a lot of the relationship changes which come with setting boundaries will be unsettling. Give it time as eventually those people that respect you will adjust to your new boundaries and it is for you to decide the kind of relationship you want with those that do not respect your boundaries.
4. Communication
When you enforce a boundary do not be surprised when you are not understood. The concept of boundaries for many people is alien and not something they understand, can recognise or identify when they are being breached. This is especially true with parents who are of a generation where boundaries was just not a concept that existed. The most important thing is to be consistent with the boundary you implement, even when you feel those pangs of guilt.
A final note…
I have never been an advocate of parent shaming or shaming anyone else for their behaviour. Many of us are operating the best with the knowledge we have. Setting boundaries is never going to be a easy task and the changes are not overnight. There will be many times you feel tired, exhausted or just not in a place to tackle the struggle that comes with enforcing a boundary- its OK. Have compassion and empathy for yourself and just pause. Remind yourself that you are human, just as they are and like all humans you have your limits.
Each situation and relationship is multi-layered and this post can not tackle or address all the nuances and complexities that are often present. However, we are living in times where we have easy access to education, therapy & mentorship, resources, knowledge and books which allow us to develop Emotional Intelligence Skills to break generational patterns.
If you would like more support with enforcing boundaries, click here to request a Free Consultation
