The Long term Impact of having Emotionally Absent Parents
The impact of emotional neglect is lasting and the ripples are seen in all areas of your life whether it is in your relationships, your health or your workplace.
So what does emotional neglect look like and how might it be impacting you today?
Being born to immigrant parents, I am all too aware of the absence of emotions in most South-Asian households.
The hardships immigrant parents faced are often talked about a lot but what no one really talks about is the emotional neglect that was the norm in many brown households, and still is today. Often the standard for a good home & upbringing was providing a home, food, clothing, toys, attending parent-teacher meetings, sending you to extra-curricular activities, buying gifts etc. If you had all this you were very lucky.
But despite this, deep down you always felt alone as a child, uncertain of your place in the world and this felt this emptiness in your heart that craved an emotional connection.
Whether it was a survival need, lack of emotional awareness or an inability to regulate themselves; parents who lacked emotional intelligence then raised children who were also emotionally disconnected. Emotional Neglect often leaves you confused and struggling with an internal battle that you can’t make sense of. Being disconnected from your emotional self means you struggle to navigate stressful situations, conflict and emotional events.
This is what I see quite often. Abuse, trauma & adverse childhood experiences are given a lot of attention because it was something that happened to you or something you experienced growing up but emotional neglect is a result of you not receiving or experiencing something from your parents that was vital for your growth and development. It is growing up with an emotionally absent and unavailable parent, so you never form healthy emotional bonds, don’t ever learn to recognise or honour your feelings and how to manage and regulate when experiencing intense emotions.
The impact of emotional neglect is lasting and the ripples are seen in all areas of your life whether it is in your relationships, your health or your workplace. So what does emotional neglect look like and how might it be impacting you today?
Here are three struggles you may experience:
1. As your parents were unable to identify their own emotions or they suppressed their emotions in order to survive, emotions were not discussed in your home so you never learnt emotional literacy.
Impact: You struggle to feel, express or share your emotions because you don’t know how to
2. Your parents were not good at regulating or managing their own emotions, and when you experienced any ‘big’ emotions you were ignored, dismissed, grounded or sent to your room to calm down.
Impact: You feel like you and your emotions are a burden so tend to withdraw and put on a mask of being OK
3. You were given incorrect messages when you displayed emotions. You were told to ‘toughen up’ and ‘stop being a cry baby’.
Impact: As an adult, your internal dialogue has these messages on repeat where you are constantly being the strong one, the one who never shows any emotions and who has become disconnected from her own emotional self.
Often it is easy to focus on the past and feel stuck.
But when you take small consistent steps to develop your own Emotional Intelligence, you hold the power to change your current reality.
Here are some tips to help you develop Emotional intelligence:
Develop the Emotional Literacy to label the emotions you feel.
Pause to reflect on the what you feel, when you feel it and how come you feel a certain way
Invest in training, mentorship or coaching to develop a deeper insight and connection to your emotional self
Practice talking about your feelings with someone you trust
Hold a safe space with compassion for your own emotions and what you are experiencing
If you would like to have 1:1 Mentorship with developing Emotional Intelligence then click here to request a free consultation.
